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24 June 2009 @ 09:05 am
[Super Junior] Who Will Be Your Wings?, PG, Angst, Kibum  
OKAY FLASHFIC. READING MY FLIST MADE ME DEPRESSED ABOUT KIBUM AND WANT TO WRITE EQUALLY DEPRESSING KIBUM-CENTRIC FIC ALSKDJFSL. I love him so hard but that boy breaks my heart. This was written in one sitting in about, ehh, twenty minutes?

Who Will Be Your Wings?
Super Junior, Kibum-centric, PG, 1200 words
Kibum wants to leave the group. But if you want to fly, who will be your wings?

Who Will Be Your Wings?
by meiface

When Kibum told the others he wanted to leave the group, there was a flurry of protest. Outcries against the very idea, sympathy for his plight but refusal to consider the idea at all.

"No, no," said Eeteuk, "we'll work something out, okay? You can still do all the acting you want. But we want you in this group still!'

"Super Junior wouldn't be the same without you," said Sungmin, reaching out.

"Don't be selfish, kid," said Kangin.

"I know it's hard, but just work with us, please, Kibum," said Siwon, earnestly. "You're important to us."

He took their words and admonishments, encouragement and pleadings, with a heavy heart. But he nodded and swallowed his own desires because after all these years - the members were important to him. Even if he had never felt like they were all brothers the way some of the others had claimed, Kibum still cared for them. And even he loved some of them enough to try.

He tried for a year, and then he couldn't lie to himself anymore.

When Kibum told the others he was leaving the group, there was a flurry of disbelief.

"No, no," pleaded Eeteuk. "What can we do to help? Can we change your mind?"

"Super Junior won't be the same without you," pleaded Ryeowook, tears welling up his eyes.

"Don't--" started Yesung.

"No," Kibum interrupted them, before it could go any further. He felt regretful, even sad, but his heart was lighter than it had been in months. There was no backing out now, only the open expanse of his future. "It's already been decided. I'm just telling you before the company makes it official."

He felt free.

It came with a price. Nothing in life was free and Kibum paid for his unfettering with tears. Eunhyuk's tears, Ryeowook's tears. Eeteuk cried and Sungmin cried too; Kangin and Shindong got angry and Siwon bowed his head. But though their reactions pained Kibum, they didn't tear at his walls, didn't waver the foundation of his decision. He was going to go through with it.

Even if the cost included the betrayal in Donghae's eyes and the disappointment in Hankyung's or the bitterness in Yesung's voice.

Even if Kyuhyun refused to speak to him.

Even if Heechul looked like he couldn't make up his mind between screaming at him or glaring at him in stony silence.

But he needed this. It wasn't that Kibum didn't love them (for a given definition of them, he thought, and it was a bitter-edged thought); he did. He did, sometimes in ways that worried him and stole his breath away. They had so many years of history. They had played crucial roles in shaping him, in the person he'd grown up to be; the person who now needed his freedom. He needed more than just breathing space; he needed stretching space to run and fall and find his own way.

Super Junior could no longer give him that.

"Hyung," he said softly. "Hyung, I'm sorry."

And he was.

But then Heechul texted him and asked to see him. When they sat down across from each other, Heechul shoved a glass across the table and poured soju for him, disregarding the traditional etiquette. "Here," he said abruptly, and Kibum prepared himself for another round of recriminations, harsher than any before, because Heechul's tongue had always been sharpest of them all.

Heechul only drank with him in silence for long minutes that piled into each other, tension melting away into familiarity and the warm burn of alcohol down his throat.

"I just want you to be happy, Kibum," Heechul said at last, voice soft, eyes dark as he looked steadily at Kibum. "If it takes leaving us to do that...well, I think you're an idiot. But I can't hate you."

Kibum swallowed and this time the burn in his throat wasn't from the soju.

He thought about it for a long time, leafing through old pictures, listening to old songs. He put on his headphones and laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark. Life couldn't get better, hey!

He thought about his acting dreams, cultivated since he was small. He thought about the exhausting schedule and life of an idol, the crazy fans, the sweat and tears. He thought about the fact that even though he cared about all of the members, he had never grown that close to so many of them. Even after all these years, he still set himself apart. Made it easy for them to leave him out.

In the dark, he remembered Donghae's smile and laughter. Kyuhyun's singing. Hankyung's easy grin in response to whatever ridiculous thing Heechul had said or done.

He remembered what it was like when he'd laughed with them.

"Why haven't they made the official announcement yet?" Yesung asked him irritably. "We might as well get it over with. Deal with the repercussions and backlash before Super Show II."

"I asked them to wait," Kibum said.

"Please," said Donghae.

And it should have taken more, but it didn't. Suddenly it was simpler than it had ever been before. He'd never thought one word could encompass so much. Kibum counted one, two, three heartbeats, and then he said, quietly, "All right."

Thank you for asking.

He could make this work. He would - they would - find a way together, for him to pursue his dreams will still remaining part of the group. They would make exceptions for him, as long as he promised to commit. He was finding that it wasn't as hard as it used to be - not that it had been hard at first. It had been so easy in the beginning, until somewhere along the way it had become too hard, struggling, always striving for something he was never going to achieve. Somewhere along the way, Kibum had stopped believing it was worth it.

But now he remembered what it was like in the beginning, easy, because it was nothing like that this time. It was still hard, but now he was remembering also - talking to Ryeowook over the phone, teasing Eunhyuk, joking again with Kangin - that it was worth it.

Siwon smiled helplessly at him, so thankful. Yesung cuffed him around the neck, grinning.

"You're an idiot," Heechul informed him, "but I'd prefer you being an idiot with us than without us." He smacked Kibum's side and smiled, one of his real smiles.

And Kibum couldn't help smiling back.

"I've missed your smile," Donghae told him, squeezing him in a hug from behind, voice muffled into his shoulder.

"Are you going to leave Super Junior?" she asked, and she couldn't have been more than fifteen, sixteen at most. She should've been in school instead of following him around and cornering him like her life depended on his answer to her breathless demand.

Fans, Kibum thought, shaking his head. Both a blessing and a curse.

"If you think that," he told her quietly, "then you don't know me at all."

Because he had wanted freedom, it was true, but some things were even more important. He had learned that.


Started/Finished: 2009.06.24

Notes: HINTS OF KIHAE BECAUSE I CAN. But really gen. It's more about their friendship, okay? Aaaaand, uh, this is not getting posted to miracle until after a day or so because I have a fratboy verse to update in the morning (<12 hours) and that gets priority because it doesn't depress me. :|
メル: kibum ||  as bright as the sunch_ar_me on June 24th, 2009 02:18 pm (UTC)
"I've missed your smile,"


that last part just slays me and makes me hopeful, and full of love for this boy and just aksjdghklajshsa ;~~~;♥

(asghd running late omfg the things fandom does to me)
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: smile for memeiface on June 24th, 2009 02:21 pm (UTC)
alskjflsakdj T_____________T ♥♥
カイタンmagicmelodyx on June 24th, 2009 02:24 pm (UTC)
aslkdjajdk no words. How you can manage something like this in 20 minutes is just--idek, but you are awesome and this made me cry but in the good way and ahaha, I see what you did there with that last bit!

it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: angstmeiface on June 24th, 2009 02:26 pm (UTC)
YOUR POST AND ITS COMMENTS WERE INSPIRING. ♥ And I had to end on a hopeful note - I was tempted as I was drabbling to just stop after Kibum announced he was leaving because he needed the freedom.

But if he really said that to a fan...I'm hopeful. And ilhsm. :(
我抱着我: kibum [how cool]wobaozhewo on June 24th, 2009 02:56 pm (UTC)
............. :/

You rekindled my hope. and Kibum levels replenish \o/// Not that I really lost it in the first place, but the boyband bff-ery is sparkling again. \o///

Thank you for writing this, 20 minutes how??? you amazing person you :/
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: my heromeiface on June 24th, 2009 02:59 pm (UTC)
The bit at the end about his interaction with a fan is supposedly a true story - though heard second-or-thirdhand so it's hard to verify but omg. I love him.

I think everyone should stop bitching at him. :( ♥ Even if my heart breaks at him leaving SJ (should he do so), I just want to see him smile again!
(no subject) - wobaozhewo on June 24th, 2009 06:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
—bonaMAMA✰~!mondaythe26th on June 24th, 2009 04:27 pm (UTC)
This fic is just what I need after reading the news that he won't be able to participate in Super Show 2.

Damn it! I miss his smile too. T___T
Especially his smile whenever he's around with Super Junior.

This fic is remarkable, even more so when it was just written within 20 minutes. You are just amazing.
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your headmeiface on June 25th, 2009 11:14 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm really glad you liked the fic - I needed some Kibum-comforting too. ♥
judy: 【just a little push】shorebird on June 24th, 2009 04:30 pm (UTC)
i love gen fic ♥!
fsiodfhsd this fic reminds me of their epic friendship with each other and i love it ;_____; lol incoherent
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: empty spacesmeiface on June 25th, 2009 11:15 am (UTC)
Honestly, I really don't think Kibum is as close to all of the members as some of the other members are (Donghae, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, for example) but for those who are important to him, they're very important. ...but like I said in the fic (let my fic do my fandom meta for me lol), I'm sure they're all important to them still.
risabetrisabet on June 24th, 2009 05:07 pm (UTC)
I. You. This.

I'm crying.

Stupid Kibum.

I really hope his leg is broken. He deserves it.

He'll always be my favourite, forever and ever.

Ilusm, Mei ♥
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: hold my handmeiface on June 25th, 2009 11:16 am (UTC)
:( Oh Kibum. Oh Risa. ♥ I don't know what RL is actually like but I'm sure they've all had their internal struggles.
enc.: :(deflates on June 24th, 2009 05:43 pm (UTC)
oh, wow. my heart has been breaking bit by bit ever since i read the news and even though this nearly made me bawl, it helped me feel better about this entire situation. ♥ so, thanks for that. :)

and even though it was just a little, i love what you did with heechul and kibum there.
"I just want you to be happy, Kibum," Heechul said at last, voice soft, eyes dark as he looked steadily at Kibum. "If it takes leaving us to do that...well, I think you're an idiot. But I can't hate you."

crying forever jkldg it's obvious how much heechul adores kibum and people need to realize he'd never turn his back on him. i feel that they have a bond that can never be broken, tbh. i.



i love that boy so much. ♥ and you are amazing.
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: super juniormeiface on June 25th, 2009 01:46 pm (UTC)
I'm really amazed and flattered this fic sparked so much in you. It was really a way for me to express my own feelings towards the entire mess and I totally love Kibum and believe in his importance to the other members as well. :) Some more than others. (I love Heechul. ♥)

Thank you so much!
There's no obvious, rational form for sadness...: BW-Gacktmardigrasmaven on June 24th, 2009 06:51 pm (UTC)
*hold heart and tries not to cry*

Mei... *hugs* I think somehow, your feelings for him will make it to him. I really believe that.

Because you have so much faith in you. So much faith and love and this. THIS. Simply beautiful.
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: calmmeiface on June 25th, 2009 01:44 pm (UTC)
alsfhsdk um. thank you! ♥
enlightened: *hug*aprettyeternity on June 24th, 2009 08:57 pm (UTC)

excuse me how did you write this in 20 minutes. wtf.
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: by your sidemeiface on June 25th, 2009 01:45 pm (UTC)

Um, by being very inspired by sad Kibum stories? IDK, I guess I do shortfic well. Longfic kills me though.
trails of glitter, not comments (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧: Stampjojibear on June 24th, 2009 09:20 pm (UTC)
as;dlfnk. heart stopped.

mei, you completely derailed me from maths coursework >8| and i should hate you for it. but i don't. >8| awful, what's wrong with my life? D8

it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: study hardmeiface on June 25th, 2009 01:47 pm (UTC)
Hey, if I'm procrastinating - everyone else should as well! :3
My love is bigger than Gingerbread Man's Vitality: sorry sorry kibum is a sex godgoldengutgirl on June 24th, 2009 11:02 pm (UTC)

"Don't--" started Yesung.
like this. I was like this. And I stopped there, because this feels too real. Wow emotionally invested fan much. But it's true. This scene has been replaying in my mind since the announcement, and Eeteuk's cyworld posts, even before you actually wrote it.

AND NO shrieking omg it has a happy ending, noooo I just. Ugh. I can't handle it if the happy ending isn't really true and because I might have, somehow, believed now that it is not so happy after all. ;___;

you are amazing though. ♥ my heart. ♥
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: ot13meiface on June 25th, 2009 01:53 pm (UTC)
aslkdjf don't worry everyones gets overinvested sometimes. :( And, well, Kibum. Ilh. So I'm both glad and sorry you felt that this fic was so plausible and realistic (since obviously that's what I was going for) but also gets your hopes up...

I have a little faith since that last bit with the fan is supposed to have actually happened. Though I'm sure each member has had his own issues wtih Kibum, and issues similar to Kibum's. Still. I do love them all. ♥
丁零当啷 ♪: i♥usuxing on June 24th, 2009 11:12 pm (UTC)

and like ALL of their reactions dklsfjaklsdjf you have their personalities down to a 't', omg.

meiiiiiii, why why why are you this awesome fdkljfaklsjkfdlsjaflk but no srsly, ilu forever you amazing person you. ♥♥
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: calmmeiface on June 25th, 2009 01:55 pm (UTC)
KIBUM DOES STRANGE THINGS TO MY HEART SOMETIMES? I'm not even sure. Just reading all the news about him on my flist made me want to write depressing fic about him because I meta and express myself in fandom through fic. IDEK HOW THIS WORKS. It's like I can't find better avenues of communication.
whom the gods love dies young.: animu; until my very last breath fades.vowel on June 24th, 2009 11:36 pm (UTC)
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: by your sidemeiface on June 25th, 2009 01:49 pm (UTC)
没有你日子很黑白: [Misc] it was love to mepapered on June 25th, 2009 12:34 am (UTC)
In the dark, he remembered Donghae's smile and laughter.


I am so unbelievably glad you ended this on a hopeful note, and I'll never understand how you can write something like this in 20 minutes. ♥
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: kihae = gaymeiface on June 25th, 2009 01:56 pm (UTC)
Sometimes when things inspire me, I write really fast?

I love them. :( I had to write that line. It was in my head before I even put it down and I knew it had to be.
☆ dreamer: key; i'm romeoholdmeifyouwant on June 25th, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)

Kibum :(
it's weird to have a vibrating cat on your head: my heromeiface on June 25th, 2009 01:48 pm (UTC)
I know, right? :(
(no subject) - holdmeifyouwant on June 25th, 2009 01:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - meiface on June 25th, 2009 01:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - holdmeifyouwant on June 25th, 2009 02:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - meiface on June 25th, 2009 02:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - holdmeifyouwant on June 25th, 2009 02:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)