Romance for Idiots
Super Junior (M), Henry/Ryeowook, Henry/Donghae, others, PG-13, 2640 words
The dummy's guide to winning the heart of someone who liked you anyway, despite "help" from people you should have never asked for help from in the first place.
"I have a problem," Henry announced, flinging open the door to Donghae's room.
Donghae looked up from inspecting his chest in the mirror, frowning. "So do I. I think I lost a lot of muscle definition in Taiwan."
Henry took a moment to admire his chest. "Well, you're no Siwon but--"
"Yah! Why are you always talking about Siwon?"
Henry sat down on Donghae's bed. "I'm just saying," he said sullenly. "Also, he's tanner. You should work on that. That means," he added helpfully, "you should probably go around shirtless more often to, you know. Tan smoothly." Donghae nodded along thoughtfully and Henry thought score! "But back to my problem. Which is very problematic."
"Yes, tell hyung all about your problems, Henry-sshi." Donghae abandoned the mirror to wrap his arms around Henry's shoulders, all but shoving Henry's face against his bare stomach. He patted Henry's hair in what was probably meant to be a soothing manner.
Ryeowook, Henry thought critically, was a lot better at this soothing thing. But therein lay the problem.
"So I kind of," Henry said, muffled into Donghae's skin, "have this thing." Donghae patted him some more, encouragingly. "For Ryeowook."
"What kind of thing?" Donghae wanted to know.
"You know. A thing."
"Is it the kind of thing you can throw? Can you eat it? Is it alive? Ooh, is it something you can launch at evil pigs?" He made an angry hooting noise and dive-bombed Henry's head with one hand.
Henry removed his face from Donghae's stomach, affronted. "This is not a game of twenty questions, hyung!" Donghae looked disappointed, but Henry was having none of it. This was awkward enough without Donghae distracting him with a live version of Angry Birds. Although that would be fun. They could launch things at Zhou Mi and make him squeal in dismay, or launch things at Kyuhyun and distract him from whatever he was gaming. Of course, then they might all die.
"I have feelings," he said, dragging his mind back to the problem at hand. "Inappropriate feelings," he quickly added to clarify and hopefully stave off another torrent of questions about "what kind of feelings?"
"Inappropriate feelings," Donghae repeated. Suddenly, his expression transformed, sly smile in place. His hand slipped from Henry's hair to the back of his neck, fingers toying with the wisps of hair there. Henry swallowed. "Is that kind of like the feelings you have for me?"
The problem with Donghae was that he could flip personalities like a light switch. From a hyperactive, attention-span-challenged kid to smooth-talking charismatic prince of a million teen girls' hearts. From excitable puppy caught up in flexing in front of the mirror to that really hot guy Henry had sweaty athletic sex with on a pretty frequent basis.
Donghae tipped Henry back onto the bed, following him down. The hand not wrapped around the back of Henry's neck slid down the length and between them, to toy with the button of Henry's fly. The light in Donghae's eyes was wicked.
"Um," said Henry, losing his train of thought. He stared at Donghae's tongue, tracking across his lips as he wet them. Henry pushed his hips up into Donghae and got a good grip on Donghae's thighs, pulling him closer for more friction. "Something like that." He would sort his problem later.
Donghae popped the button open and bent his mouth down to Henry's. Henry moaned.
He always thought better after a round of sweaty athletic sex anyway.
"You like Ryeowook!" Donghae exclaimed afterwards, delighted. "That's so cute, Henry!" He pinched Henry's cheeks.
Henry didn't know how he felt about someone who'd just had their mouth on Henry's cock calling him cute. "Yeah, so, um." He shrugged a little, as much as he could with Donghae draped atop him and sticking to him with sweat and...other things. Mostly he felt too lazy to move, or think, or do much but bask in how awesome the world was and how he could use a nap. Or maybe a snack.
Donghae beamed. "Do you want me to help you win his heart?"
Henry's eyelids felt heavy. "Hrm," he mumbled into Donghae's hair.
"Don't worry, I'll definitely help you win his heart."
He barely felt the reassuring squeeze to his hip as he drifted off, boneless and sated. Through the fog, he might have heard Donghae's voice saying something about Heechul and help, but it didn't seem very important.
Zhou Mi looked at him unsympathetically. "And that, Henry, is what you get for sleeping."
Henry wanted to cry. "I'll never sleep again. Just make him stop texting me fanart of me with tentacles and hitting on Taemin!"
Zhou Mi sighed and looked very put upon. "Fine, I'll talk to him." He glanced back into his mirror and adjusted his plaid fedora to a more appropriate angle suitable for convincing Heechul to do his bidding. "Not that I don't like Taemin, but I thought you were trying to get into Ryeowook's pants."
"I'm not trying to get into his pants! I just want to--" Henry broke off.
Zhou Mi turned back to him, melting. He gathered Henry into his arms and clutched at him. "You want to have a pure and chaste hand-holding relationship with him! Oh Henry! That's so sweet!"
"Mrmph," said Henry into the buttons of Zhou Mi's vest. People really had to stop this shoving his face into parts of their body thing. It made breathing difficult.
Kyuhyun helpfully freed him and nudged him away. Then he readjusted Zhou Mi's vest and moved the fedora to an angle more suitable to telling people to back off, Zhou Mi was spoken for and had his own private fashion coordinator. As if Henry could ever be interested in Zhou Mi! He couldn't cook or play Angry Birds. Granted, he could sing and, according to the sounds Henry could hear from his room every time Kyuhyun visited their dorm, he wasn't bad at sweaty athletic sex either, but Henry had standards, okay? Or, you know, biases. Preferences.
Ones that tattled to Heechul and ones that had made a very concerned face upon seeing tentacled!Henry groping Taemin on Henry's phone.
"Please talk to Heechul-hyung for me," Henry said desperately.
"So I heard from Seasoning you want me to stop traumatizing you with my texts," Heechul said when Henry walked into their dorm. He looked up from his handheld mirror, where apparently he was fluffing his bangs. Henry blinked and slowed, wary at the wide grin on Heechul's face. "What'll you give me to quit?"
"Didn't you already extort something from Zhou Mi when he talked to you?" Henry asked, who knew that Heechul had extracted a promise from Zhou Mi to be able to make out with him whenever he was bored, because Zhou Mi had spent at least two hours complaining about how Kyuhyun was now giving him the cold shoulder. It was, in fact, why Henry had finally escaped, deciding facing Heechul himself was a better choice than listening to Zhou Mi whine and look at his fedora accusingly.
Sometimes, if Henry thought too hard about it, he was concerned for their sanity.
He tried not to think about it, especially when Heechul raised an eyebrow at him and said, "That was just for listening to him. If you want something from me, Henry Lau, you have to pay up yourself."
Right. Bargaining in the dorms. Henry had gotten better at this through the years. He'd gotten sex with Donghae out of it, hadn't he? He crossed his arms and regarded Heechul, who looked back with anticipation in his eyes. "Okay, hyung, if you stop sending me weird texts in some bizarre effort to hook me up with Ryeowook, I will get Donghae to make out with you."
"He already does."
"Henry," Heechul said impatiently, "Donghae and I have had an arrangement since before you were born."
Heechul looked at him pointedly.
"Well. I don't want to think about what you were doing as toddlers then, um, so. What if Donghae and I make out in front of you?"
Heechul's eyes gleamed. "Intriguing proposal."
"No cameras!" Henry yelped, as he suddenly recalled just how Heechul's mind worked.
"No deal," Heechul said immediately.
Henry wavered. "...no video," he said at last.
Heechul pursed his lips. "Fine. Deal."
Henry fell onto the couch, defeated, and Heechul resumed preening. After a moment, and without looking away from his mirror, Heechul called out, "Ryeowook! Come out here! Hyung is hungry, make me some ramen."
Henry nearly fell off the couch. "No! Hyung! What're you doing."
Ryeowook wandered out of his room, smiling. "Just a sec, hyung. Oh, Henry!" The smile widened almost immediately into a sunnier grin, delighted. "I didn't know you were here. Do you want some food too? I can make something really quick - fried rice? I think we have some tofu around too."
"Erm, that sounds, yes, great, if you want," Henry said into the couch, where he'd planted his red face.
"Okay, give me a sec!" Ryeowook ducked back into his room and Heechul chortled.
"I only promised to stop traumatizing you with texts, Henry-sshi. Not that I would stop interfering. You should learn to make better deals."
"He's so sweet," Henry moaned piteously, flopping his head back into his pillow. "He's so nice to me, but he still has such a mischievous sense of humor. It's so cute."
Donghae hummed in agreement as he licked his way up Henry's thigh, mouth hot and wet.
"He's always thinking of me and taking care of me, but he's just so easy to hang out with too, you know? Like when we compose, and he's such a good listener, and he's so talented!"
Zhou Mi threw a pillow at him. "Do you mind?"
Henry wandered sadly out of Zhou Mi's room. No one wanted to listen to him.
"And close the door, asshole!" Kyuhyun shouted after him.
Siwon would listen, surely, Henry thought. Or Sungmin. But Siwon was admiring his ass in the mirror and muttering something about God and hotness. God sure did make you hot, Henry thought wistfully, but couldn't seem to find his tongue to ask Siwon anything as he stared at Siwon's naked torso and well-formed rear encased in nothing but a thin pair of gym shorts. His mouth might've been open or something. Henry couldn't really remember.
In the end, Henry went to find Sungmin, but Sungmin was putting on eyeliner and talking about Jungmo and this club with a live rock band and, when Henry made sad eyes at him, only offered to put eyeliner on him too and take him out.
"It's okay," sighed Henry.
Then his phone rang. It was Heechul, demanding picture time.
"You voyeur," Henry said accusingly as Heechul brandished his camera. "You pervert!"
"It's not my fault Donghae's a slut," Heechul said, and it was true, Donghae already had a hand up Henry's shirt and a thigh between Henry's legs.
"Hey," said Donghae, momentarily taking his mouth away from Henry's jaw to protest.
Heechul leaned over and kissed him, open-mouthed and sloppy. "Good boy," he said when he pulled away with a pat to Donghae's ass. "Get back to it." The camera went up, Donghae went back to Henry, and Henry closed his eyes and thought of Canada.
Okay, he didn't, but no one could blame him when Donghae did that thing with his tongue.
In retrospect, Henry should've seen it coming. No one saw Heechul coming though, even though he wore loud colors and dyed his hair even louder colors. And was, you know, actually loud. You thought you knew what was coming, thought you could pin him down because of the persona he presented, but he always managed to surprise you.
Henry should've known the pictures of him and Donghae making out weren't for Heechul's private blackmail collection. At least, not solely.
The pictures, it seemed, found their way to Ryeowook's phone, and the owner of the phone was looking at Henry with very wide eyes across a table of kimchi jjigae and dumplings (for Henry) and samgyetang (never for Henry, ever again).
"You and Donghae make a good couple!" Ryeowook said earnestly. "I didn't know you had feelings for him!"
Well. Some kind of feelings, sure. Inappropriate ones. But not the same kind of inappropriate feelings that most concerned Henry and made him flush under his collar and want to sink into his seat and tug his hat over his eyes. The kind that made him want to reach over and squeeze Ryeowook's hand and mumble, "It's not like that. I don't like him like that."
He managed to squeeze out the words, bolstered by the gentle grip Ryeowook had on his hand.
"It's okay if you do, Henry," Ryeowook said, tilting his head and smiling. "I just like seeing you happy."
Okay, this was his opening. Henry said, very quickly, "He'snottheonewhomakesmehappy."
Ryeowook blinked. "Was that English? Chinese? Oh, was it Chinese! Say it again, slower! I need to keep practicing my Chinese now that we're back in Korea."
Ten minutes later, after Henry had painstakingly written the Chinese phrase (tā bú shì ràng wǒ zuí gāo xìng de rén) on a napkin in pinyin and with what were hopefully the right tones above them, Ryeowook met his eyes with a melting look. "Oh Henry."
Then he said: "You got the tone for zui wrong."
Then he squeezed Henry's hand and took the pen from him.
yǒu nǐ zài wǒ shēnbiān, wǒ huì yǒngyuǎn gāoxìng.
After that, there was really nothing for Henry to do but push his baseball cap out of his face, lean over the dreaded samgyetang, and kiss Ryeowook.
Then text Heechul in awkward thanks.
"I've found the perfect solution!" Zhou Mi crowed triumphantly, bursting into Henry's room. He stopped short when he saw Henry and Ryeowook curled up together on Henry's bed like a pair of cats, tangled in each other and gazing sleepily up at him.
"Too late," Henry said, little smugly.
Zhou Mi shrugged. "Oh well." He paused in the doorway to beam at them. "You two are so cute! I hope you're happy together!"
Ryeowook gazed after him, considering. "Too bad," he murmured. "I wouldn't have minded a free pair of handcuffs."
"Does this mean we can't sleep together anymore?" Donghae wanted to know. When Henry said probably, Ryeowook was kind of big on monogamy, even if he was willing to try a lot of other things and, boy, was he ever willing to try new things, Donghae looked thoughtful. "That's okay, Henry. As long as we can still hang out and play together." He beamed. "And now you can help me with my problem!"
"If you think you're losing muscle definition, you should just go to the gym like Siwon."
Donghae made an exasperated noise. "Will you stop talking about Siwon? And that's not my problem. I'm thinking, I have this thing, maybe. For Kyuhyun." He paused. "And Zhou Mi. Together. And me, if that wasn't clear."
Henry was torn between putting his head in his hands in horror and laughing hysterically. He settled in the end for saying, "You should let Heechul know. I'm sure he'd help."
After all, he doubted Zhou Mi had procured those handcuffs out of nowhere.
Henry was right. What he didn't know was that they weren't originally Heechul's, but something he'd stolen and kept.
"So you have to come back to see me," Heechul ordered.
"I can just buy a new pair," Han Geng said, rolling his eyes.
"All right," said Han Geng, who could interpret an I miss you, jerkface when he heard it, "I'll come see you. Just don't let Zhou Mi break them in the meantime."
Note: Henry's note says: He's not the one who makes me happiest / Ryeowook's note says: with you at my side, I will always be happy
Tentacle!Henry exists! Click at your own risk.
DON'T JUDGE ME. I JUST REALLY WANTED TO WRITE HENHAE HAVING HOT CASUAL SEX except I also love HenWook so much alkshdfjds and the usual biases slip in, qmi, heechul, hanchul... I am so predictable, you could grow crops on my schedule. Does that make sense? Am I totally sober? The answer to both is a resounding no. :D