God, how hot do I find HyukHae's faux-blowjobs lately, it's the definition of unfair.
Stuck between My Fantasy and What is Real
Super Junior, Hyukjae/Donghae, PG-13, 3110 words
Wherein Hyukjae wants to know if Donghae wants to have sex with him or not.
The thing is, Donghae has always been, as he jokes, "a lover, not a fighter". He's in love with the idea of love. He's a big fan.
Everyone knows this.
Hyukjae knows this.
So what Hyukjae can't figure out is what this thing between them is, all overt sexuality and suggestive implications, and no clear lines.
"You're male, you're young, you're perpetually horny. It's this thing," Kangin explains to him, speaking slowly like Hyukjae might not understand otherwise. Hyukjae is rather regretting saying anything at all, especially to - of all people - Kangin. Years of training with him and living with him and Hyukjae is dismayed that he doesn't know better.
"But," he says helplessly, because Kangin has a point but that's not what Hyukjae is asking.
Kangin just looks at him with a faintly pitying expression. "Donghae's horny, too," he adds. "You're guys."
Hyukjae's mind shuts down before he can properly process that because, wow, okay. Wow.
Hyukjae's never wanted to go there mentally.
Which isn't a lie, really. But just because Hyukjae has never consciously wanted to think about his best friend in sexual terms doesn't mean it doesn't still happen. The subconscious is a tricky thing, sly and cunning and slipping in images of Donghae's bare throat and collarbone, slick with sweat, or Donghae's pink tongue, perpetually sliding out over his lips playfully.
Upon reflection, Hyukjae realizes that it's absolutely not his fault that his subconscious does things like this because, wow, his best friend is kind of an innately sexual being.
This brings with it the horrifying implication that maybe Kangin had a point.
Hyukjae whimpers a little into his pillow.
"The hell is the matter with you?" Heechul demands.
Hyukjae lifts his head long enough to see Heechul stride into his room and steal a CD from Hyukjae's neatly alphabetized shelf. "I hate it when Kangin-hyung is right," he says pathetically.
"Me too." Heechul heads right back out. "I make it a practice to ensure he's never right. It's worked great so far." He grins and, with a flick of his wrist and hair, he's out the door. Hyukjae flops back onto his pillow, left alone again with his thoughts.
As nice as Heechul's practice is, Hyukjae doesn't know how to make Kangin not right, unless he asks Donghae to stop being sexual or something and wouldn't that be an awkward conversation.
The problem, he decides after a few minutes, is that there are no clear lines. Hyukjae has always been a fan of clear lines - distinct boundaries and categories, things that fit where they belong. Organization is something distinctly lacking in most of the members, he feels (somewhat resentfully), and they really should make more of an effort to oblige him sometimes. Not even all the time, just sometimes. It's not so much to ask for.
It's not a problem that Donghae is sexual. He just needs to be clear whether he is being sexual at Hyukjae for a reason. And now Hyukjae can't leave the thought alone.
Donghae talks about romance and proposals. He likes the idea of serenading a girl or surprising her with flowers. Kyuhyun likes to point out, not snidely but a little meanly, that Donghae is not exactly Sung Shikyung at singing. "And what if she's allergic to roses? What would you do then?" Kyuhyun is really a brat, disguised as... Well, all right, he's not that disguised. He's pretty blatant about his brattiness.
Donghae, because he is a lover not a fighter, only pouts at Kyuhyun instead of hitting him. "Don't be a jerk, Kyuhyunnie. I'd get her tulips. And I am not that bad at singing!"
He's not, but he's better at dancing. Hyukjae points this out and Donghae grins, wide and bright, leaning into Hyukjae's side. His head settles on Hyukjae's shoulder, hair soft and tickling. "I could dance for her," he says happily and wriggles his hips on the couch.
"What if she's allergic to all flowers?" Kyuhyun persists. "And doesn't like chocolate?"
Donghae's brow furrows.
"Are you sure he'd fall in love with that kind of girl?" Hyukjae cuts in, because Donghae has a type and a dream and everyone knows it. He can't imagine Donghae pursuing anything but an ideal.
"Point," Kyuhyun concedes.
Donghae tilts his head so he's peering up at Hyukjae, warm brown eyes and a even white smile. "Hyukkie knows me best."
"It's 'cause I'm psychic," he says, meaning it's because I know you, stupid. Hyukjae knows that Donghae likes love, yeah. It's not like he hides it or anything. Hyukjae's still working on figuring out where Donghae stands on sex. He has a plan. Sort of. So far it involves confronting his best friend before (or after, either probably works) a performance where Donghae's hips get all slinky and liquid and his eyes go dark and demand to know his views on sex.
Hyukjae has outlined his plan three times in different colored ink, neatly printed on three separate sheets in his notebook. He clutches the notebook anxiously, feeling a little sick as he looks over his handwriting.
"It's a great plan," Shindong reassures him, smirking broadly.
Shindong obviously hates Hyukjae because he's in the background laughing his head off, hearty guffaws that shake his entire body, as Hyukjae flushes red from head to toe and nearly sets himself on fire.
It's a good thing, he reflects miserably, that he chose to ask afterwards, so he doesn't have a performance to screw up.
Donghae is staring at him in wide-eyed incomprehension.
Hyukjae knows that expression so well, has seen it so many times. He really hates that expression, because he knows Donghae only wears it when he wants to project confusion to hide the way his mind is working, linking and clicking and making sense of things, behind it.
Still, it is a more welcome expression than the one Heechul is wearing. Heechul is draped over Donghae's shoulder, looking as if it's his birthday and Christmas rolled up into one. He should never look so delighted.
"Did you just ask Donghae his views on sex?" he practically sings, just to confirm.
Hyukjae thinks longingly about the floor opening up underneath his feet and swallowing him up.
"Um," he says.
"I have views on sex!" Eeteuk chirps, looking far too amused at Hyukjae's expense as he comes up to them and drapes an arm over Hyukjae's shoulders. Hyukjae looks at him, feeling betrayed. He expected Eeteuk at least to be on his side, even if Heechul wouldn't be. Nor evidently Shindong. But his leader looks as close to laughing outright as Heechul does and Hyukjae feels very, very alone. And very, very mortified. "Are we having a discussion on sex? Remember to practice safe sex, everyone, I'll kill you if you guys start popping out babies before SJ disbands."
"We can't pop out babies, hyung," Kyuhyun says dryly from somewhere outside Hyukjae's sight.
"Ow," Sungmin puts in emphatically, sounding pained.
"What's going on?" Hankyung asks, sounding like he can't possibly be hearing them talk about what he thinks he's hearing them talk about.
His life is almost - almost - as tragic as Hyukjae's and Hyukjae feels a moment of empathy. But then his eyes flit to Donghae, who's still staring at him with that patented befuddled expression. And Eeteuk's arm is still heavy around his shoulders, holding him down from escaping. And Heechul is still there. Existing.
"I want to go home," he wavers pathetically.
By the time Hyukjae's escaped Eeteuk's clutches and Heechul's prying questions and Yesung's entirely unhelpful suggestions on sexual positions to slip into his room, he has reached the point where he thinks it might be best to just not ever question Donghae's views on sex or sexuality or why he does the thing where he cants his hips into Hyukjae's or grins when Hyukjae lands on his knees and sort of puts his face right in Donghae's crotch. Hyukjae can live with ambiguity. He can live with messy non-categorization and blurry lines and confusion.
Confusion is great! Blurry lines, also great! Never again being forced to endure Eeteuk asking him if he needs condoms - and what size and if he wants them ribbed or studded or flavored - would be beyond great.
But when Hyukjae closes the door behind him, heaving a sigh of relief, he finds Donghae sprawled on his bed, back to the wall with legs spread and knees bent, jeans tight across his crotch. His hair is messy and hanging over his eyes, head bent over the DS in his hands, and the gray wifebeater tight around his chest and leaving his shoulders bare.
Hyukjae nearly swallows his tongue.
"Hey," says Donghae without lifting his head.
"Hi," says Hyukjae, sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed.
"Just a sec," says Donghae, who then proceeds to ignore him for the next three minutes until he finishes up the level or quest or whatever. He hits a few more buttons on the DS then puts it down beside him, lifting his head to grin at Hyukjae.
"What's up?" Hyukjae asks casually, like he didn't get sort of turned on miming a blowjob in front of thousands of fans earlier that night, or didn't blurt out a bizarre demand to know Donghae's opinion on sex afterwards, or didn't get accosted and interrogated by his bandmates for hours until about five minutes ago. Hyukjae has got to be at Expert Level of pretending by now. He deserves a secret unlock code or something.
Donghae promptly flops onto his back, head dropping into Hyukjae's lap as he stretches out along the length of the bed.
"So you wanna know about sex?" he asks.
Hyukjae makes a face. "No." Like he didn't just go through hours of pain on the very subject. He pinches Donghae's side and grins back. "Hey, I totally know more than you. All the girl groups voted me the Super Player, remember?"
Donghae laughs. "Right. You're the one who gets all the phone numbers but is too sleazy for a proper relationship?"
"Shut up, you lost Super Prince to Siwon."
"It's Siwon," Donghae pouts.
Hyukjae's earlier discomfort is dissipating rapidly. It's always been this easy with his best friend - years of knowing each other makes them comfortable around each other in a way they aren't with others. Even if Hyukjae wishes Donghae would be more clear about things like, well, sex...and stuff...he knows Donghae loves him.
That's the problem, though, isn't it? He knows Donghae loves him. He has no idea where all this aggressive sexual flirtation is coming from or what it means.
His mouth twists a bit and Donghae, proving his best friendship-ness for the nth time, shifts his head and says curiously, "What's bugging you, Hyukkie? Seriously. What were you trying to ask me after the concert?"
And right then, Hyukjae flings caution to the wind because (1) his plan sucked anyway, (2) he is somewhat mentally traumatized from the past two hours, and (3) there is something reassuring about the weight of Donghae's head in his lap, the glint in his eyes, reminding him that this is his best friend and nothing will screw that up. Nothing.
"Do you want to have sex with me?" he blurts out.
Donghae's eyes widen and Hyukjae slaps a hand over his face.
Ohmygod, he thinks with impending doom, did I just say that?
Maybe not nothing.
This is the other thing: Hyukjae has had those thoughts about Donghae before. Even before the whole on-my-knees-between-your-legs performances, or the ass-slaps and the slow hip thrusts. There is something inherently sexy about someone who is as happy and friendly and enthusiastic as Donghae (and, damn it, that means Kangin is right, to an extent) and Hyukjae's far from immune.
He's thought about kissing Donghae before, thought about licking his way down that body, maybe rubbing his hand over the bulge in Donghae's jeans, or tucking his hand in the back pocket and cupping that ass. He's thought about sucking hickeys into that neck and gripping those hips tight as he presses Donghae into the bed underneath his own weight.
So the thing where he said he never wanted to go there mentally? Total lies.
Hyukjae doesn't really talk about these things, just gets a hand around himself in the shower and avoids looking Donghae in the eye right after. But they are definitely things he's thought.
It all gets about a hundred times worse once the on-stage flirting starts, and part of Hyukjae's brain knows that it's just a show. It's for the fans. It's about titillation and teasing, and it's all for fun.
But then the other part of his brain (the male, young, and horny part that Kangin thinks dominates and, damn him, may be right about) can't help but wonder if Donghae maybe means more than just showmanship. That maybe he's interested too.
They love each other, sure. That has never been in question.
But Hyukjae's latched onto this nebulous question of what they mean to each other sexually, if all this cockteasing is really nothing more than an act, and it's nearly driven him crazy these past few months.
Crazy enough, apparently, to blurt out something he's thought about for ages but never really meant to phrase that way.
Donghae sits up and Hyukjae feels the rush of air, the relief of pressure on his thighs, with a sickening drop of his stomach. "I mean, not that I was, er, that's--" He forces himself to shut up and wants to die all over again, for possibly the sixtieth time that night.
"Do I want to have sex with you?" Donghae repeats.
"Um, well, that is--"
Hyukjae can't look at him.
"I mean," he tries to explain, "like, are you sexually-- Uh, god, I mean, I know you love me, man, but have you ever--"
He is so not good at this. He's just never going to talk again. That is probably the best plan. Forever.
But then there's a hand on his knee and Donghae's leaning into his space again. His expression is surprisingly serious, considering Hyukjae expected him to laugh at Hyukjae's epic failure at speaking and also at life. But Donghae says quietly, "Hyukkie, I do love you."
Hyukjae's gaze drops again and he waits for the inevitable but.
Donghae's other hand is twisting nervously in the bedcovers. "I'm sorry if our performances are making you uncomfortable. I never meant for them to."
In his incredulity, Hyukjae notes two things: first, that Donghae thinks Hyukjae has a problem with their promiscuous performances (okay, he kind of does, but not anywhere near the way Donghae apparently thinks he does), and second, that Donghae doesn't say "it's just an act". He doesn't say he's not, or that he's never--
It's probably stupid, but hope flares in Hyukjae's chest. His palms get all sweaty. His eyes dart up to Donghae's and he finds himself saying, "Hae, Donghae, I--"
He's still no good at words, so he acts instead.
Wiping his palms across his track pants, he leans forward and kisses Donghae.
It's nice. It's really nice. It's the opposite feeling of wanting the ground to open up and swallow him whole.
It's the warmth of familiarity and the heat of something new, something thrilling. It's the pressure of Donghae's mouth on his, opening beneath his, tongue flickering tentatively against his. It's his heart racing and his mind flooding with old fantasies, made surreal with the soft, pleased sound Donghae makes right now, immediate and real.
Hyukjae kisses him until the hesitance turns frantic and more insistent. And then he's pulling away, blinking dazedly as Donghae leans forward, chasing after his mouth. His eyes are dark, pupils blown wide, and his lips are swollen.
Hyukjae says, "Oh my god," and falls back onto his bed.
His heart feels like it might burst out of his chest.
"Hyukkie?" Donghae says unsurely.
Hyukjae tugs blindly at him until Donghae tumbles across him, an abrupt weight. "This is totally the opposite of wanting to die," he says.
Donghae blinks at him for a moment then snickers. "Man, you suck at talking. I dunno why you're an MC at all."
Hyukjae flushes but he's happy. Donghae leans down and mouths at his jaw, moist and warm and intimate. He shudders. Hooks a leg around Donghae's calf. Smiles.
"You suck more," he says contentedly. "At least they don't cut all my parts on TV."
Donghae bites. "I hate you," he says and Hyukjae hears the opposite. "Jerk."
Ryeowook beams at them because he has creepy telepathic powers or something, but Hyukjae doesn't mind because he clearly uses them for good. He takes the cup of coffee Ryeowook pushes across the counter at him with a mix of desperation and relief.
"There was an earthquake in Taiwan," Siwon observes, rustling the English newspaper. "Doesn't look like anyone was hurt though."
"Donghae didn't sleep in his bed last night," Shindong observes, looking directly at Hyukjae.
Down the hall, Hankyung's door opens and Heechul shuffles out in an oversized shirt and pink pajama pants. He disappears into the bathroom.
"Doesn't mean anything," Hyukjae says casually, willing his body not to betray him by turning red. "Heechul-hyung hardly ever sleeps in his room."
There's a pause as Ryeowook sets the tea kettle on the stove and looks at him, Siwon lowers his newspaper and looks at him, and Shindong rolls his eyes. And looks at him. Pointedly.
"Oh," says Hyukjae, realization dawning.
Then he flushes bright red.
"Uh-huh," says Shindong, and helps himself to more breakfast. "As long as no one was hurt, I won't tell Heechul."
Hyukjae shakes his head silently, clutching at his coffee like a lifesaver.
Ryeowook beams at him some more as Donghae stumbles sleepily out of Hyukjae's room, hair sticking out at odd angles, and nearly falls into the bathroom. The four members in the kitchen wait for the ensuing bloodbath but the bathroom remains suspiciously silent. Hyukjae rolls his shoulders back and remembers, right, Donghae's always been Heechul's favorite.
But it's okay, he thinks smugly. Because he's Donghae's favorite.
He looks up to the amused glances of his band mates. "Um, thanks," he says hastily. "Don't say anything to Kangin-hyung either?"
Because he's still determined that Kangin never has to know that he was right about guys and youth and horniness. And Donghae feeling the same way. Hyukjae's brain hurriedly shuts down that avenue of thought in self-defense and goes back to being smug about Donghae.
It's a nice feeling.